Found Woman (2014)
She’s the kind of woman that will bring you down, man. Bring you down…
What perfume is she wearing? It’s called Febreze.
She can’t stand ginger people.
She doesn’t mind Leslie, but she’s an exception.
She knows what she is.
She’s an alpha female and she likes it.
She sellotaped her face to a dog.
It’s quite cool using her car… because she’s got one of those disabled stickers
She’s a size 12, but she can be a size 8 any time she likes.
She calls her dad Wallet and her mum Laundry.
She was also on the 43 bus when that thing happened
and she’s teaching me
how to use ugly men for money and shoes.
This was published in Magma 57 a couple of years ago. It’s called ‘Found Woman’ because each line is taken from verbatim speech reportedly overheard on the London Underground. For a while these small out-takes from random conversations were published on a website called ‘The Man Who Fell Asleep’ (as I recall. I may be wrong)
Going through the archives I selected excerpts that either began with the word ‘She’ or contained ‘she’ within the reported speech.
The result has become an amalgam of around a dozen talked-about women, a Bride of Frankenstein character with whom, despite her flaws, I really would like to go out on the town.